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1,673 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·

I found this on a another site I used to go on,I dont take the credit for it,it was some guy called Steve who made it up/found it.
But I thought you guys might like to see it,hope it gives you laugh as it did me.


Just a quick note for everyone that has tried to use the Haynes
Manual and thought....'What the hell does that mean???'

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey!

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start,
now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - thats the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out the bayonet part.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because this can not
be 'lightly' what you are doing now.

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating.
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
low, tiny, 'ikkle number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more
use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating.
Translation: But Nova's are easy to maintain right... right? So you (the Nova is a "go-faster" car,me)
think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two
spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb! (another name for an arsehole,again me)

Haynes: Five spanner rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
garage for whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as
I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone (Especially me,wi' that bloody Merc)

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want
to do!

For Added Haynes Fun:
Go to the first section, Safety First, and read the bit about
Hydrofluoric Acid - do you really want the advice of a book that uses
this form of understatement???!!?

Now look at the lovely colour section on body repairs - as you look at
these two pages say to yourself over and over until it sinks in "mine
will never look like that..."

Flick to the end and look at the colour glow plug pictures, how do
these compare to the glow plugs in your Mini? If you cannot locate the
glow plugs in your Mini see the last translation on the list!

Hope this brought a smile to one or two faces!!

2,886 Posts

I always admire those amazing clean engines in the Haynes manuals... and the angles the photos are taken from show quite clearly that THEIR engine is sitting on a bench and NOT under a bonnet which keeps trying to close on your head!

970 Posts
ROFL too. I bought my saab to get away from the nova stuff. Now I use a better quality 'univeral adjuster' and thicker plasters.

Still, Haynes can never fully teach us how to look at something, just as you describe, and then announce 'yep its F*%ked. Needs a new one!' That's a skill we perfect with age.(He He!)
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